Creative Writing Instructor
Evaluation Form

 

1. The instructor is organized.

Strongly Agree
 Agree
 Undecided
Disagree
Strongly Disagree

 

2. The instructor seems generally knowledgeable, at least about the subject she teaches.

 Strongly Agree
 Agree
 Undecided
 Disagree
 Strongly Disagree

 

3. The instructor is for the most part coherent and sober during her lectures.

Strongly Agree
Hard to tell; she often has a “cold” and tells us not to approach her desk
Coherent and sober unrelated in this case
Disagree
Strongly Disagree

 

4. The instructor wears a bra to class.

Strongly Agree
There are straps visible at times
Undecided
Least of her worries
Very least of her worries

 

5. The instructor mentions the director of the Creative Writing program in class.

Strongly Agree
Agree
Undecided/Not Listening
Disagree
Strongly Disagree

 

6. When I used to picture myself in college, I pictured my education in the hands of people like this instructor.

Strongly Agree
When it looked like I’d have to attend a JC
While masturbating only
None of the Above
I’m a legacy and never pictured myself anywhere after high school

 

7. The instructor mentions the director of the Creative Writing program in class:

An Appropriate Amount
An Excessive Amount
With obvious feelings of longing/regret
While toying with shirt buttons
In a way that I don’t think Jim would appreciate

 

8. The instructor does appear to want to teach us things.

 Strongly Agree
Last week we learned that rabbits have 360° vision . . . ?
It’s just really hard to explain what happens in here
She tells us to be bold a lot, if that counts
And some monkeys want to fly

 

9. The instructor’s grammar and vocabulary are not what I had hoped given her vocation, though she tries to compensate for her lapses and indiscretions by, for instance, sometimes speaking in a British accent.

The instructor makes up words
Most of the instructor’s words sound real
A lot of terminology seems to have been derived from the instructor’s name
I’m dubious on her best day
The instructor is illiterate or insane

 

10. When the instructor discusses very sexy male “fictional”characters, they often resemble the director of the Creative Writing program.

 The director should consider himself a wanted man
 The director has nothing to worry about
Her sexiest male characters are usually women
Her sexiest male characters are usually animals
I don’t understand where this form is going

 

11. The instructor is clear and forthcoming about her publications, which have been for the most part verifiable.

Strongly Agree
Agree
Can’t find her on Amazon or Google
All the links to her stories go to error pages
One of “the instructor’s” stories appears in a Raymond Carver book?

 

12. The instructor seemed better today.

 The moral atmosphere of the class seems appropriate to the subject matter
I’m not a very sexual person so maybe I just didn’t notice?
I’m not always comfortable with the way the instructor looks at/touches me
I wish the instructor had office hours during the day, at school

 

13. The instructor concentrates on student work and does not make us “workshop” her novel in her living room late, late at night.

Sometimes we meet at Joe’s Tavern instead
What’s late?
She encourages us to come to her house pretty much whenever
Some students seem to maybe have keys to her house?

 

14. At these workshops, the instructor does not serve alcohol to underage students.

She provides mixers only
She doesn’t force us to drink
Unless we’re playing I Never
She tells us writers aren’t well-adjusted people, and that’s OK

 

15. When the instructor does mention the director of the Creative Writing program in class, she seems to understand that he did what he did for his kids, and it’s not what he wanted, and he’s not just feeding her some bullshit line.

Agree
She’s clearly not over Jim and never ever will be
She seems skeptical, to say the least
She often expresses such sentiments as “He can [suck it / blow me]”
She reviles him and tells us he couldn’t write his way out of a paper bag

 

16. The instructor looks like she might be willing to #&%@ a few of us.

Name: _____________________________________________
Make/model of car: ___________________________________

 

17. And yet, the instructor’s ass is starting to sag a bit, no?

Strongly Agree
She doesn’t make the best wardrobe choices
Not really an ass man/woman, myself
Nothing a little biking wouldn’t help

 

18. OK but realistically, I’d give the instructor four, five years before she really starts looking her age.

If that
Looks her age already
I’m not attracted to women
Given her Lifestyle, She Seems to Be Holding Up

 

19. I know who you are, Mr. Pierce. Everyone else quit filling out this stupid form long ago because everyone else understands this course is an automatic A. Listen, maybe you had a wild night together— hat’s off. Good for you, Mr. Pierce. But take it for what is was. I am a noted American author, Mr. Pierce. You’re a junior at a third- tier commuter school— you think this is going to end well for you? Do you? You little freak? (Fill in the APPROPRIATE bubble from the AVAILABLE bubbles:)

Strenuously Disagree this will end well for me

 

20. How’d that feel, Pierce? You like that?

Yes I liked it a lot, Director, please bend me over and do it again

 

21. And you’re the hack and the walking cliché, Mr. Pierce, YOU!!!

I’m not the one who put that on your car
But I know who did
And she’s sorry
As far as I can tell
She’s really very sorry

 

22. Fuck you, Pierce, I will have the woman again.

Agree

 

23. On the last question, I meant the director will have her again, not me, Mr. Pierce.

Passionately Agree

 

24. Fill in the goddamn bubble, Pierce.

Agree on my mother’s grave

 

25. Sorry about your mother, Pierce.

 Thank you but it’s still no excuse for my impertinence

 

26. I don’t know why I’m acting this way. I guess she made me feel special.

Painfully Agree

 

27. I know she did, Pierce, that’s part of her game.

But it hurts

 

28. Of course it hurts, but don’t be an idiot, Pierce. She might look inviting to you now, but think about it: Are you going to ferry her to rehab when you’re trying to study for your Portuguese final? No? What about menopause— you ready for that? It’s right around the corner, Pierce. You’re young, why tie yourself down to a woman like that?

Agree

 

29. The director of Creative Writing is a better writer than all the greatest writers of all time combined.

Most Humbly Agree

 

30. Just fill it in, Pierce.

Agree

 

31. Sweet mercy, what a relief.

Strongly Agree

 


April Wilder is the author of This Is Not An Accident. Her short fiction has appeared in several literary journals including ZoetropeMcSweeney’s, and Guernica Magazine. A former Fiction Fellow at the Institute for Creative Writing in Madison, Wisconsin,  she lives with her daughter in Salt Lake City and California. Visit her online at: http://www.aprilwilder.com/