1. The instructor is organized.
□ Strongly Agree
□ Agree
□ Undecided
□ Disagree
□ Strongly Disagree
2. The instructor seems generally knowledgeable, at least about the subject she teaches.
□ Strongly Agree
□ Agree
□ Undecided
□ Disagree
□ Strongly Disagree
3. The instructor is for the most part coherent and sober during her lectures.
□ Strongly Agree
□ Hard to tell; she often has a “cold” and tells us not to approach her desk
□ Coherent and sober unrelated in this case
□ Disagree
□ Strongly Disagree
4. The instructor wears a bra to class.
□ Strongly Agree
□ There are straps visible at times
□ Undecided
□ Least of her worries
□ Very least of her worries
5. The instructor mentions the director of the Creative Writing program in class.
□ Strongly Agree
□ Agree
□ Undecided/Not Listening
□ Disagree
□ Strongly Disagree
6. When I used to picture myself in college, I pictured my education in the hands of people like this instructor.
□ Strongly Agree
□ When it looked like I’d have to attend a JC
□ While masturbating only
□ None of the Above
□ I’m a legacy and never pictured myself anywhere after high school
7. The instructor mentions the director of the Creative Writing program in class:
□ An Appropriate Amount
□ An Excessive Amount
□ With obvious feelings of longing/regret
□ While toying with shirt buttons
□ In a way that I don’t think Jim would appreciate
8. The instructor does appear to want to teach us things.
□ Strongly Agree
□ Last week we learned that rabbits have 360° vision . . . ?
□ It’s just really hard to explain what happens in here
□ She tells us to be bold a lot, if that counts
□ And some monkeys want to fly
9. The instructor’s grammar and vocabulary are not what I had hoped given her vocation, though she tries to compensate for her lapses and indiscretions by, for instance, sometimes speaking in a British accent.
□ The instructor makes up words
□ Most of the instructor’s words sound real
□ A lot of terminology seems to have been derived from the instructor’s name
□ I’m dubious on her best day
□ The instructor is illiterate or insane
10. When the instructor discusses very sexy male “fictional”characters, they often resemble the director of the Creative Writing program.
□ The director should consider himself a wanted man
□ The director has nothing to worry about
□ Her sexiest male characters are usually women
□ Her sexiest male characters are usually animals
□ I don’t understand where this form is going
11. The instructor is clear and forthcoming about her publications, which have been for the most part verifiable.
□ Strongly Agree
□ Agree
□ Can’t find her on Amazon or Google
□ All the links to her stories go to error pages
□ One of “the instructor’s” stories appears in a Raymond Carver book?
12. The instructor seemed better today.
□ The moral atmosphere of the class seems appropriate to the subject matter
□ I’m not a very sexual person so maybe I just didn’t notice?
□ I’m not always comfortable with the way the instructor looks at/touches me
□ I wish the instructor had office hours during the day, at school
13. The instructor concentrates on student work and does not make us “workshop” her novel in her living room late, late at night.
□ Sometimes we meet at Joe’s Tavern instead
□ What’s late?
□ She encourages us to come to her house pretty much whenever
□ Some students seem to maybe have keys to her house?
14. At these workshops, the instructor does not serve alcohol to underage students.
□ She provides mixers only
□ She doesn’t force us to drink
□ Unless we’re playing I Never
□ She tells us writers aren’t well-adjusted people, and that’s OK
15. When the instructor does mention the director of the Creative Writing program in class, she seems to understand that he did what he did for his kids, and it’s not what he wanted, and he’s not just feeding her some bullshit line.
□ Agree
□ She’s clearly not over Jim and never ever will be
□ She seems skeptical, to say the least
□ She often expresses such sentiments as “He can [suck it / blow me]”
□ She reviles him and tells us he couldn’t write his way out of a paper bag
16. The instructor looks like she might be willing to #&%@ a few of us.
□ Name: _____________________________________________
□ Make/model of car: ___________________________________
17. And yet, the instructor’s ass is starting to sag a bit, no?
□ Strongly Agree
□ She doesn’t make the best wardrobe choices
□ Not really an ass man/woman, myself
□ Nothing a little biking wouldn’t help
18. OK but realistically, I’d give the instructor four, five years before she really starts looking her age.
□ If that
□ Looks her age already
□ I’m not attracted to women
□ Given her Lifestyle, She Seems to Be Holding Up
19. I know who you are, Mr. Pierce. Everyone else quit filling out this stupid form long ago because everyone else understands this course is an automatic A. Listen, maybe you had a wild night together— hat’s off. Good for you, Mr. Pierce. But take it for what is was. I am a noted American author, Mr. Pierce. You’re a junior at a third- tier commuter school— you think this is going to end well for you? Do you? You little freak? (Fill in the APPROPRIATE bubble from the AVAILABLE bubbles:)
□ Strenuously Disagree this will end well for me
20. How’d that feel, Pierce? You like that?
□ Yes I liked it a lot, Director, please bend me over and do it again
21. And you’re the hack and the walking cliché, Mr. Pierce, YOU!!!
□ I’m not the one who put that on your car
□ But I know who did
□ And she’s sorry
□ As far as I can tell
□ She’s really very sorry
22. Fuck you, Pierce, I will have the woman again.
□ Agree
23. On the last question, I meant the director will have her again, not me, Mr. Pierce.
□ Passionately Agree
24. Fill in the goddamn bubble, Pierce.
□ Agree on my mother’s grave
25. Sorry about your mother, Pierce.
□ Thank you but it’s still no excuse for my impertinence
26. I don’t know why I’m acting this way. I guess she made me feel special.
□ Painfully Agree
27. I know she did, Pierce, that’s part of her game.
□ But it hurts
28. Of course it hurts, but don’t be an idiot, Pierce. She might look inviting to you now, but think about it: Are you going to ferry her to rehab when you’re trying to study for your Portuguese final? No? What about menopause— you ready for that? It’s right around the corner, Pierce. You’re young, why tie yourself down to a woman like that?
□ Agree
29. The director of Creative Writing is a better writer than all the greatest writers of all time combined.
□ Most Humbly Agree
30. Just fill it in, Pierce.
■ Agree
31. Sweet mercy, what a relief.
■ Strongly Agree
April Wilder is the author of This Is Not An Accident. Her short fiction has appeared in several literary journals including Zoetrope, McSweeney’s, and Guernica Magazine. A former Fiction Fellow at the Institute for Creative Writing in Madison, Wisconsin, she lives with her daughter in Salt Lake City and California. Visit her online at: http://www.aprilwilder.com/