The officer shows me a photo of the missing child. “Is this you?” he says. “If it is,” I say, “do I win a prize?” He thinks it’s a joke and he narrows his eyes, but what he can’t see is I’m half-serious. The last time I opened my door for police, they went Gordon Ramsay on my couch cushions and earned me a cash settlement in the low four figures. This officer, with his acne scars, looks more like a Jehovah’s Witness. “Will you please take it?” He rattles the photocopy. I believe it’s … [Read more...] about You Haven’t Won Anything Yet
Online Fiction
Fish Jokes
>°))))><< To start, Anna searches for his name. The search returns 5,881 emails—every single thing he sent her for the thirteen months they worked together. She filters out his work address but his personal Gmail still returns 1,739. Too many to comb through one by one. She can’t search by date; she doesn’t remember the date. If she’s going to find this email, she’s going to have to remember the words he used. She tries “sexy.” But she forgets to type “sexy AND” his name, so the … [Read more...] about Fish Jokes
Menu
We’ve already tried everything. We tell the waitress to bring rolls, wine. Meanwhile we’ll decide what we want to order. This is our favorite restaurant. It’s the only restaurant in town as far as we’re concerned. The atmosphere is exquisite—carpet with hunting scenes, dark wood. The mayor and his cronies sit nearby, tearing apart their steaks by candlelight and spilling juice on their ties. I wave. And there’s the guy Lynn always goes on about, the stiff cowboy type who can’t move his neck. The … [Read more...] about Menu
Flight
I am traveling across the sea, again. Sometimes it seems I have spent more time on water than on land; sometimes, when I am home, I wake up in the middle of the night and am surprised when my old legs meet solid, unswaying ground. Earlier tonight I was dining with strangers and one of them—a young lady, with a hawk’s nose—mentioned Wilson and looked at me, slyly, with a hawk’s intelligence. I did not answer her. My son swooped in and changed the subject, quickly, delicately. He has become my … [Read more...] about Flight
The Sister
A girl named Caroline lived with her twelve brothers in a house on the edge of the woods. The youngest, Philip, was her friend and responsibility. Mother and Father had died years ago of an illness. The brothers talked about how hard it had been to watch, something Caroline couldn’t remember. Each of the brothers had a job. Some wore suits and some wore coveralls. Philip had been born with one eye, due to his mother’s fever during pregnancy. The eye rolled around in his head, searching … [Read more...] about The Sister
Ray Charles Never Lost Anything Important
Hugo was a neighborhood debate. Ask me and I’d say, No, he wasn’t gifted from birth, wasn’t like Mozart composing with a finger up his nose and diaper rash on his ass. But mine was a minority opinion. To this day, people come to me and insist, with a passion I’ve only seen in late-night infomercials, that Hugo must’ve at least been born with the capacity to prophesize—the genetic musculature, so to speak. To which I say, Lower your voice, I agree. Listen: there are times in life when we know … [Read more...] about Ray Charles Never Lost Anything Important